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The story as told by the test results
Excerpts from my journal
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| Something happened to my back last night, and that little pain from the car accident became huge. It paralyzed my torso and it was agonizing to move. I called 911 and they took me out of my house on a board. I lay motionless in my bed, blissfully on painkillers for 3 days in the bone ward, but now they have moved me to the oncology department. I didn't even know what that word meant, but one of the nurses told me. It means "cancer." |
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| Well, It's official I have lung cancer and it's spread to my bones. I asked one of my doctors if my chances were 50-50. She said no. I said, "20%?" No. "10%? 5?%" She shook her head, "2%" She told me that the positive thing is that I'll have time to do my WILL. I started to cry and asked why should I even bother doing chemo, when you're telling me I won't live no matter what I do? She said, "Well, anything's possible." But my kids are 5 and 7! I have to fight this with everything I have. If only 2% make it, then how do I get to be one of them?
(I did both first- and second-line chemotherapies, totaling a year of chemotherapy, as well as standard radiation and cyberknife radiosurgery. I wore a back brace for a year and my spine slowly healed. My chemo seemed to be going well, and the MRI's showed that my cancer was responding to treatment. I expected the MRI's and PET scan following this rigorous year of treatment would be good, or at least neutral. But they weren't.
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| Dear God, it's gone to my brain! No, no nonononononno! Not the brain. I'm still using it. That was my worst fear. I don't want to radiate my brain. That can't be good for it. They say, "You're young, you can handle the side effects." But I am devastated. I threw my purse across the room at my doctor's appointment and ended up leaving it and walking right out the door. But I couldn't drive away because I didn't have my keys, so I ended up sobbing face-down on the grass outside. All I could think about was my kids. I'm so sorry, guys. I'm sorry. I tried so hard and I failed. Finally, the nurse and my doctor and my boyfriend all came out, with my purse, and we sort of finished up the appointment outside, which was really nice of them. My doctor said to see what the Tarceva does, but the studies only say it extends people life by like two months. I just don't see the point of trying. But I will.
07/05/05
I went out to another cancer hospital for another opinion about the brain, but everyone at every hospital keeps telling me I have to do it. Tumors to the brain wreak havoc quickly and even though my lesions are tiny now and I don't have any symptoms, I guess I better move it. My heart is broken. I will have one more MRI done before, just to make absolutely sure they're really there at all. Maybe it was a smudge on the screen. I wish.
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| Oh my God! I was reconciled to not be upset no matter what the MRI said. After all, I already know there are tumors there. But I was NOT expecting GOOD NEWS and it IS! The tumors are stable. We aren't going to radiate it. No one even knows if Tarceva can get to the brain, but it must be because it's been more than a month and tumors as small as mine would be easy to spot growth. We have scheduled another MRI for August. Please God, please God, Please God. |
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| The Tarceva's working! It's definite! Now I don't have to have another scan for 3 months - it seems so long for someone who's used to getting scanned every 6 weeks! I'm going to enjoy these 3 months, no matter what comes after, no one can take them away from me.
11/25/05
PET scan just around the corner. I'm nervous. As long as there are no new sites, and maybe the glucose uptake on the known areas is a little less, that's a good result. That's all I ask, no new sites.
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| REMISSION! REMISSION! I wasn't expecting that! Thank you God. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I won't let you down. I will help other people like I promised I would. Please let me stay in remission. You won't be disappointed in me. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU. |
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Copyright © 2005-2010 Barking Spiders All Rights Reserved
All Songs Copyright © 2005-2010 Barking Spiders All Rights Reserved
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