The Burden of The Concept Positive Attitude
and How To Get An Effective Attitude Instead.
Golden Gate Relay For Life - April 7, 2006
By Christine Stewart
When I was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer in 2004, I was completely stunned. I wasn’t a smoker, no one in my family ever had cancer and I was only 36. The average age of diagnosis for lung cancer is over 60 and like most people, I thought it pretty much only happened to lifelong smokers. Now, since Dana Reeve’s death, people have become aware that lung cancer is actually the number one killer of women. Of the 20 to 25,000 non-smoking young women being diagnosed each year, nearly all will die because of a lack of funds for lung cancer research. Fortunately for me, there has been some research done, or I would be dead already or in the process of dying right now. The lung cancer therapy that put me into remission, Tarceva, only became FDA approved 6 months before I went on it. That’s why fund-raising events like this are so important.
So obviously, medication is a very necessary part of beating cancer. But whenever I tell people that I’m in remission, the one thing I hear more than other is, “It’s because you have such a positive attitude!” It’s a very widely-held belief that a positive attitude is necessary to beat cancer. But what does “positive attitude” actually mean? If you feel negative or depressed after you’re diagnosed, does that mean you have a negative attitude? If you cry because you’re afraid you’re going to die of cancer, or if you’re angry that this happening to you, are you actually killing yourself with your mind because you can’t just whip up a positive attitude on demand? No, of course not, and that is the danger of the oversimplified, “keep a positive attitude” mantra. It’s unrealistic and unacheivable. The idea that you need to have a positive attitude in order to survive is a huge mental burden that actually makes it even more difficult to acheive a good attitude.
You would not be human if a cancer diagnosis didn’t scare you! Especially if the prognosis is poor, like mine was. 98% of people diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer die from it, with an average 9 months between diagnosis and death. In fact, one of my doctors told me that the “positive thing” was that I would have time to do my will. At 36 and with 2 kids who were just five and seven. I did not feel very positive about that at all! I was furious with the universe, I was scared to die, I cried plenty, and sometimes, I even thought maybe I didn’t feel like fighting. I mean, life can be really tough. I tried really hard to be the best person I could be, and this is what I get? A 2% chance of surviving? You’re gonna kick me out of your little club Earth? Well, maybe I don’t want to be in your stupid old club! And yet all the way through my whole year of treatment, people would tell me how positive my attitude was. How could that be? Because what they called a positive attitude was actually what I call an effective attitude.
As it happened, I had spent many years prior to my diagnosis observing how to use the mind effectively so that I could eliminate the chatterbox and emotional roadblocks, and could then more readily solve problems, achieve goals, and just generally be happy in my own skin. Time and again, I found that in order for something to be effective, it really has to be absolutely true, So, I called these concepts Practical Truisms, and they were really put to the test as I dealt with the most difficult mental challenge a person can ever encounter - a slow, drawn-out threat to life, with an almost certain chance of failure. I did and do believe that mind and body work together and that a prolonged negative mental outlook is detrimental to the body physically. But I also knew that it was unrealistic to expect my mind to just “be positive” in the face of such frightening, stunning negative news. This was very tricky. What to do?
Well, the biggest part of being effective in solving anything is to recognize and work with the way something naturally wants to be. Water runs downhill, so if you try to make a waterfall run up, it’ll be a constant struggle. The mind does not become accustomed to big changes all at once. It goes through denial, anger, and grief, before it ever gets to acceptance, and these steps are not check off denial and you’re done with it, check off anger, done with that too... you go back and forth between them. It’s part of the process. And this is something that people around the person who was diagnosed need to realize. Telling your loved one to “have a positive attitude” during this intitial phase is only going to make them more negative. Because it just makes them feel like lashing out at you. Because there is so much anger at being told that your body is being attacked from within. This is a very volatile stage, and it lasts for a while. But as soon as you can move past the anger, and the fear, you owe it to yourself to do so. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, go with it. Escape for a while into a movie or a TV show. Pursure any happy thought or feeling you can.
2%? I mean a 65% was failing in school! What the heck is that? You’d get that just for writing your name on the paper! But ... Practical Truism: You can’t know what won’t work unless you try it as if it will. So, I thought, if only 2% of people survive my type of cancer, that’s not nobody - it’s still 2 people out of 100. So what can I do to increase my chances of being one of them? Then do it with complete commitment. Of course, first I cried my head off for a while but then, I came up with the truism.
Developing cancer is a bad hand dealt, no question about it. I remember being in my hospital room; my back was broken due to the effects of a rear end collision on my cancer-compromised spine. And I remember just wanting to put this terrible card back into the deck or into the discard pile or just throwing it.. like away. But life doesn’t let you do that does it? You have to play that hand, even when you hate the card you just got. But... Practical Truism: A really good card player may win the game with a poor hand dealt, while a poor player who was dealt a great hand may easily lose. You must play the hand you are dealt, but you needn’t be dealt a great hand to do well. Just play your very best game and that is all you can do. So that’s what I did. I played my best game, and I am continuing to play it because none of us can ever know what that next card draw will be. But that doesn’t mean that we should dread the next time it is our turn to draw. For our next hand may reveal a wonderful card, especially if we are looking for it.
Looking for it? Yes. If you start collecting butterflies, or elephants or troll dolls, you’ll begin to see them everywhere. They were always there, but you didn’t notice them until you started looking for them. There is so much around us in this world, that if you are looking for something, good or bad, you will find it. Practical Truism: Find the good in any situation, no matter how small. Do not reject anything good, just because it’s not what you thought you wanted.
This is a survivors party and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. But part of any cancer event is rembering those who never made it to this party. And, in memory of those people and the people that miss them, I’d like to play a song written and performed my very talented husband, Mark Mrkus. The lyrics were written by me. This is Cry In The Rain.
My book Practical Truisms is being sold here today at the back table. Feel free to look through. Turn to any page; each truisms stands alone and there is just one concept per page. There are also ten “Ineffective Thinking Habits listed on pages 185-186 that are really helpful to read. Just realizing that you’re doing one of them - or more - is halfway to fixing it. 40% of profits generated will be donated to the American Cancer Society. There are also free copies of the Naples Daily News article I wrote which ran February 7 and 8th and details my whole story from diagnosis through treatment, and contains my website address and contact information if anyone would like to send me an email.
Thank you so much for listening to me today, and congratulations on being a survivor!
So obviously, medication is a very necessary part of beating cancer. But whenever I tell people that I’m in remission, the one thing I hear more than other is, “It’s because you have such a positive attitude!” It’s a very widely-held belief that a positive attitude is necessary to beat cancer. But what does “positive attitude” actually mean? If you feel negative or depressed after you’re diagnosed, does that mean you have a negative attitude? If you cry because you’re afraid you’re going to die of cancer, or if you’re angry that this happening to you, are you actually killing yourself with your mind because you can’t just whip up a positive attitude on demand? No, of course not, and that is the danger of the oversimplified, “keep a positive attitude” mantra. It’s unrealistic and unacheivable. The idea that you need to have a positive attitude in order to survive is a huge mental burden that actually makes it even more difficult to acheive a good attitude.
You would not be human if a cancer diagnosis didn’t scare you! Especially if the prognosis is poor, like mine was. 98% of people diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer die from it, with an average 9 months between diagnosis and death. In fact, one of my doctors told me that the “positive thing” was that I would have time to do my will. At 36 and with 2 kids who were just five and seven. I did not feel very positive about that at all! I was furious with the universe, I was scared to die, I cried plenty, and sometimes, I even thought maybe I didn’t feel like fighting. I mean, life can be really tough. I tried really hard to be the best person I could be, and this is what I get? A 2% chance of surviving? You’re gonna kick me out of your little club Earth? Well, maybe I don’t want to be in your stupid old club! And yet all the way through my whole year of treatment, people would tell me how positive my attitude was. How could that be? Because what they called a positive attitude was actually what I call an effective attitude.
As it happened, I had spent many years prior to my diagnosis observing how to use the mind effectively so that I could eliminate the chatterbox and emotional roadblocks, and could then more readily solve problems, achieve goals, and just generally be happy in my own skin. Time and again, I found that in order for something to be effective, it really has to be absolutely true, So, I called these concepts Practical Truisms, and they were really put to the test as I dealt with the most difficult mental challenge a person can ever encounter - a slow, drawn-out threat to life, with an almost certain chance of failure. I did and do believe that mind and body work together and that a prolonged negative mental outlook is detrimental to the body physically. But I also knew that it was unrealistic to expect my mind to just “be positive” in the face of such frightening, stunning negative news. This was very tricky. What to do?
Well, the biggest part of being effective in solving anything is to recognize and work with the way something naturally wants to be. Water runs downhill, so if you try to make a waterfall run up, it’ll be a constant struggle. The mind does not become accustomed to big changes all at once. It goes through denial, anger, and grief, before it ever gets to acceptance, and these steps are not check off denial and you’re done with it, check off anger, done with that too... you go back and forth between them. It’s part of the process. And this is something that people around the person who was diagnosed need to realize. Telling your loved one to “have a positive attitude” during this intitial phase is only going to make them more negative. Because it just makes them feel like lashing out at you. Because there is so much anger at being told that your body is being attacked from within. This is a very volatile stage, and it lasts for a while. But as soon as you can move past the anger, and the fear, you owe it to yourself to do so. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, go with it. Escape for a while into a movie or a TV show. Pursure any happy thought or feeling you can.
2%? I mean a 65% was failing in school! What the heck is that? You’d get that just for writing your name on the paper! But ... Practical Truism: You can’t know what won’t work unless you try it as if it will. So, I thought, if only 2% of people survive my type of cancer, that’s not nobody - it’s still 2 people out of 100. So what can I do to increase my chances of being one of them? Then do it with complete commitment. Of course, first I cried my head off for a while but then, I came up with the truism.
Developing cancer is a bad hand dealt, no question about it. I remember being in my hospital room; my back was broken due to the effects of a rear end collision on my cancer-compromised spine. And I remember just wanting to put this terrible card back into the deck or into the discard pile or just throwing it.. like away. But life doesn’t let you do that does it? You have to play that hand, even when you hate the card you just got. But... Practical Truism: A really good card player may win the game with a poor hand dealt, while a poor player who was dealt a great hand may easily lose. You must play the hand you are dealt, but you needn’t be dealt a great hand to do well. Just play your very best game and that is all you can do. So that’s what I did. I played my best game, and I am continuing to play it because none of us can ever know what that next card draw will be. But that doesn’t mean that we should dread the next time it is our turn to draw. For our next hand may reveal a wonderful card, especially if we are looking for it.
Looking for it? Yes. If you start collecting butterflies, or elephants or troll dolls, you’ll begin to see them everywhere. They were always there, but you didn’t notice them until you started looking for them. There is so much around us in this world, that if you are looking for something, good or bad, you will find it. Practical Truism: Find the good in any situation, no matter how small. Do not reject anything good, just because it’s not what you thought you wanted.
This is a survivors party and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. But part of any cancer event is rembering those who never made it to this party. And, in memory of those people and the people that miss them, I’d like to play a song written and performed my very talented husband, Mark Mrkus. The lyrics were written by me. This is Cry In The Rain.
My book Practical Truisms is being sold here today at the back table. Feel free to look through. Turn to any page; each truisms stands alone and there is just one concept per page. There are also ten “Ineffective Thinking Habits listed on pages 185-186 that are really helpful to read. Just realizing that you’re doing one of them - or more - is halfway to fixing it. 40% of profits generated will be donated to the American Cancer Society. There are also free copies of the Naples Daily News article I wrote which ran February 7 and 8th and details my whole story from diagnosis through treatment, and contains my website address and contact information if anyone would like to send me an email.
Thank you so much for listening to me today, and congratulations on being a survivor!
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